11:36: We were just trying to come up with a good portmanteau for “political analysts” and A suggested “polyanyls.” It doesn’t look like the Senate race is going easy, and we need some shots, so we’re gonna go have a shot and a smoke and try to get some perspective. Highlights: House flipping, Webb winning, amendments. Thanks for sharing this very special evening. If anything comes back before we pass out from expelled stress and Espolon, we’ll let you know. Cheers.
11:30:¬†I was talking about Scott Nelson being too close to call and somebody asked who Scott Nelson was.
11:14: OK, I”m not gonna be a petty dick about this, but if you pick Starship’s “We Built This City” as your victory song, I get even more afraid.
10:58:¬†And that’s all she wrote for the Florida gubernatorial election: Gillum is conceding.
10:40:¬†Cruz and Young going to recount. As long as something keeps this party going.
10:30:¬†Late to the party on this, but it looks like Amendment 13 has passed, effectively ending greyhound racing in the state. “That’s so totally unfair,” said a bunch of people who look at animals kind of like batteries.
10:17: Regarding the CFO race, it hasn’t been called, but Jimmy Patronis is beating Jeremy Ring by “a comfortable margin,” which is really polite speak for “CL’s pick for the position is getting fucking trounced.”
10:10:¬†Scott is still up over Nelson with a razor-thin margin, this may go to that automatic recount. Please don’t ask me about the automatic recount, I”ve had two Sloppy Janes.
10:00: Sean Shaw is conceding. He’s being very polite, yet very upfront in his opposition to Trump, and I kind of want to take him out to brunch.
9:50:¬†Hillsborough’s education-focused Referendum 3 is a done deal.
9:30:¬†They’re calling it for Amendment 9, too, which means you can’t vape on a fracking derrick because there won’t be any fracking derricks, or whatever. Seriously, it was a dumb bundling, but nice to see a lot of folks weren’t willing to risk the environment by taking a stance against dumb bundling. Sorry, cloud-chuckers.
9:25:¬†Amendment 4 passes, to the surprise of no one. See, we can all work together to undo some stupid nonsense.
9:20:¬†*Opens Drizly app, but doesn’t order anything yet*
9:15: Andrew Davis has conceded to Stacy White in the Hillsborough Commission District 4 race. Another of our picks goes down.
9:05: Hillsborough transit initiative All for Transportation passes. So, there’s that.
9:00¬†Ed Hooper beat Amanda Murphy for Senate District 16.
8:55:¬†With 80% in, some folks are on the verge of calling it for DeSantis. It’s been called for Jennifer Webb, though, who makes history as the first LGBT woman elected to the Florida legislature. And BTW, to whoever OK’ed the “don’t get caught in the Jennifer Webb” campaign: Hopefully your social banter is better than that shit.¬†
8:45:¬†Shit, I’m going outside for a smoke.
8:40:¬†What’s up with the Agricultural Commissioner race? Last we checked, it was tight, with our pick Nicole Fried trailing noted penis-haver Matt Caldwell by fewer than 2 percentage points.
8:40:¬†ICYMI, Jeff Brandes handily beat Lindsay Cross in the District 24 race. He’s not the worst Republican, but we really would’ve like to have Cross in that seat.
8:35:¬†Everybody calls it for yacht enthusiast Vern Buchanan over Democrat David Shapiro, whose yacht interest level has never been made public, 54% to 45%.
8:30:¬†Janet Cruz and Dana Young appear to be neck-and-neck.
8:30:¬†*Eats another Sloppy Jane and immediately regrets it*
8:30:¬†Sidebar: Over in Texas, punk rocker Beto O’Rourke is beating jagged dishrag Ted Cruz 50% to 48% with 1% reporting. (Beto O’Rourke is not that punk, BTW.)
8:30: Amendment 4: 64% yes, 36% no.
8:20: Google says Scott is up over Nelson by .2% with 65% of the returns in.
8:19: Panhandle voting returns see DeSantis overtaking Gillum. *Knuckles tighten to within glass-shattering range*
8:16: This Sloppy Jane is delicious.
8:15: Ashley Moody 54.9% over Sean Shaw at 43.2% with 44% of districts reporting. Neither of them is Pam Bondi, so, ya know.
8:10: Debbie Wasserman Schultz called over challenger Joe Kaufman 59% to 35%, so… yay?¬†
8:10: Nelson slightly ahead of Scott, seems like the Nelson watch party is partying a little too hard this early in the game, but that’s why they love him.
8:00: Spectrum Bay News 9, our preferred local mouthful, is saying the DeSantis camp is “subdued” as they watch the returns. 30% in, Gillum has a very slight lead “but it’s just too early to say.”
7:40: AP calls it for Crist over Buck, 58% to 42%. That one was pretty much a no-brainer.
OK, we’ve got our tequila, we’ve got our CBD oil for anxiety, we’re ready. Possibly the most important local and statewide elections are going on tonight, and we’re going to do our best to bring you the highlights without breaking down or breaking the computer. Keep checking back for updates ‚ÄĒ no guarantees, it’s an emotional night for anybody who cares about the future of Florida and of the country in general ‚ÄĒ and we’ll try to keep it entertaining.